We have never gotten into making resolutions, but as I was falling asleep last night a macabre conviction was running through my head. As I slid into bed beside a happy sleeping toddler, I was thinking about, of all things, death. I was thinking about the women I know that have been diagnosed with cancer... specifically the one whose body gave up the fight last week... I was praying for the mothers who sat around their Christmas trees with tight throats and tear rimmed eyes watching their children twirl and giggle for maybe the last time... The fathers that are trying to not let worry and anger steal their final days with her... and how at any moment this could be me.
I was thinking about the gift of being alive and how thin and fleeting it actually is despite the arrogance of my heart that assumes the contrary.
I was thinking about how much I truly love my life, how much I love my family, how much I love my Savior.
It is impossible to think these thoughts without many tears, and I do not think it healthy to dwell here; but just for a moment I wanted to stand honest, naked, and vulnerable before my life's work and ask these questions:
How would I spend my time if today was my last everything?
How would I think, speak, and work if this was the last thought, conversation, or gift that I was ever going to be able to give?
How would I share my faith if this was my last chance?
Though the specific answers vary, I can say specifically what I would not want to do. I would not want to be rude, selfish, or too busy to listen, too busy to celebrate. I would not want to miss a chance to kiss a cheek or return a grin. I would not want to be ungrateful, for ANYTHING.
Though I can not control the number of my days, I can work to control the heart in my days. I can labor to pour joy into the tiny moments.
Thus, as I fell asleep I prayed for God to make my heart resolved to trust Him and love others well this year and always. It seems if I can nail this resolution, everything else would fall into place.
1 John 3:23 And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.